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Please note that any comments expressed in these forum posts do not reflect the opinions of Medical News Today in any way at all. Opinions posted in this forum do not constitute medical
advice, which should be sought from qualified medical advisers. Disclaimer.
Thumbs up!
posted by Leona on 18 July 2004 at 3:20 pm
I wanted to "gag" at the TRUTH of this article! Narcissists are preditor "killers"... it's just a matter of how much time.
I definitely fall into the category of "Narcissistic Victim Syndrome", yet I thought I had worked through most (if not all) of my codependency issues before I met him. All it takes is one slick and polished Narcissist to come along and overturn your nice little apple cart!
I got out, but I'll never be the same. I don't know if it's what this "creature" put into me, or took out of me, that I'm still working on overcoming. I've felt physically, emotionally, and spiritually bankrupt at times... and never mind my promptly busted bank account to this once charming predator!
All I can say at this point is if you happen upon a Narcissist, RUN!!!.. don't walk.
Leona
Read the news article that this opinion was posted about:
Narcissism Victim Syndrome, A New Diagnosis?
RELIEF
posted by Betty on 19 Nov 2004 at 10:04 pm
I cannot say how happy I am to see that the medical profession is being made aware (I pray), of these horror movie actors.
I am now trying to LIVE by leaving my last one of 16 years.
Do not ever think you have found the "perfect man", that he is the "answer to your prayers". you often get exactly what you pray for.. "A perfect husband/partner" = a Narcissist.
THERE IS NO PERFECT HUSBAND, some only make you think they are.
WE are as sick as our secrets, and women married to N's keep the bad side of them, SECRET. I was ashamed to let anyone know what I had married, even MYSELF. I could not face it till now and its taken years after knowoing it was indeed, there.
Without a doubt, THIS must be addressed in our society before more women and children die and no one knows WHY.
Thank you for making my opinion possible.
narcisissist revisited
posted by HESTER on 06 Jan 2005 at 3:26 pm
What a relief one can exchange information. I broke up with a narcissist 3 months ago after having tried a few times. I have never felt so dependant and frustrated in my life and I am an independent, intelligent, beautiful person in my 30s.
It was hard, very hard. When the insults started, very subtle I was so confused but after reading up a lot my eyes opened up and I am so grateful today for demanding back my independence and self worth.
We live in the same town however and sometimes bump into him. He still tries his charm and still insults me from time to time if he can but at least I got the picture and ignore him, stay out of his way or just insult him back if necessary.
It's just a depressed 6 year old in a man's body but very intelligent, promiscuous, a liar without empathy and very manipulative and charming. The prince on the white horse who will kill you emotionally and suck you dry.
I guess the hardest for me is how could I not have seen it coming. Why was I attracted to it ? Afterwards, thinking back, all the signs were there. It has been so bad that I even got physical sick, became anxious, no self esteem etc and all of this in a period of 15 months. Another thing is nobody really understands and probably prefer not to know what this person is like because he is so charming and nice in front of them. Its a smoke screen. I would like to tell the whole world what he is and inform his current 2 girlfriends about him but they will probably not believe me. I was deceived as well.
At the same time I feel empathy for him because he was created by his parents and environment and I think his life must be hell. He's half alcoholic, depressed most of the time and he fears death like hell. But I guess one can not do anything for them. They are the freaks and one still can have empathy but one must first love yourself, protect yourself and taking once distance and also inform other people of their existence and danger.
I believe one should inform people and talk about it, How else will these mentally sick people be exposed and dealt with ? They try to destroy everyone who has love and empathy for them. It sounds really evil in a certain way.
Any comments on how one can inform and expose them ? There is a lot of information on this disorder but I find there is not a lot of information for the surviving victims and how society should deal with such people. And how do you inform people and protect yourself when living in the same area?
exposing narcissist
posted by frank on 23 Mar 2005 at 2:05 am
I myself had an experience with one of these people. Thankfully, its over. However, I also wonder how I can expose and control these people. They are a threat.
Don't expose them, RUN
posted by Laura Andrews on 23 Jun 2005 at 3:15 am
My husband's mother is in our house every day. She has told me she has a job to do of raising my girls, without her they would have no guidance, structure or discipline.My husband is so terrified of her, that he signed his inheritance from his grandfather over to her. He never even read what he signed, he was told to sign because he needed to be punished. They have been out of town for 2 wks and I have finally convinced him to go to a marriage counselor. He has decided we should divorce rather than anyone be "exposed". He said he could take anything except being pitied. There is nothing more I can do.
Men are victims too
posted by mary on 22 July 2005 at 5:11 pm
My son is married to a narcissist. He is also a battered husband...diagnosed by a psychiatrist who has advised him he must call the police when she gets violent. He has yet to do this. He is on verge on getting fired because she harrasses him at work..and the company has sent her a letter telling to cease the incessant phone calls that disrupt the workplace. She has a college degree but will not work and has spent him into debt and a part time job supplementing his full time job does not pay the bills. She contributed nothing to the purchase of the house which he bought before they were married and gives nothing to the support of the house or the bills she makes. They have a one year old and another on the way and now she wants a divorce..and the law in our state will give her half of everything including his retirement account at work. The mental anguish he suffered in silence nearly pushed him to suicide...and she continues to tell him she hates him because he cannot give her the lifestyle she wants. I am not allowed to see the one year old unless I drive to their house which for me has become difficult..I cannot be in that house without feeling ill and she knows this..I told her. There is very little support for men...which is why he stayed silent to the breaking point. There needs to be more support for men..and fairer divorce laws...he wants his children..but will not get them..they will stay with her and we fear what emotional damage she will inflict on them. She does no housework, she said she spends all her time with the baby but somehow she managed to leave him unattended on the sofa and he fell off and suffered a bloody nose and black eye. I don't know if I believe the injury was an accident..she scares me. I am a widow in my 60's and was planning to sell my house to go into a senior living community but now may have to hang on to the house to provide a home for my son who is gettting thrown out like garbage. He consulted a lawyer about his rights and was told point blank the court will favor her even though she is the one seeking the divorce. I advised him to contest the divorce...and make her fight for it...maybe there is some way we can force a psychiatric evaluation.
Speechless
posted by May on 27 May 2007 at 7:59 am
"speechless"is what my sister in law has left me for the last 30 years.
Recently having read about narcissism it was a relief to be able to actually attach an illness to her behavior. I have (0nly)one brother who has been tortured by this woman for 30 years.... 3 nervous break downs and several close calls. And of course these all being blamed on his parents.
My parents are the warmest kindest people you could ever meet and the hurt they have gone through is just unexplainable.
All these years we kept quiet and always tried our best with them. But always got kicked in the face over and over and over.......
I have now decided to expose her.. I don't care what she says about us ... I think it's time these mentally ill people get theres!
My brother will never get out of this marriage.... he sticks up for her when confronted.... yet behind her back he complains.
I could literally write a book on this woman and what we have gone through and maybe I will. I am proud of the people who have gotten out of the relationship when they realized what they were in. You need to save yourself, these people aren't worth it. They are masters of disguise. When we tell our friends about her, they don't believe us, because she is sooooooooo nice and goes to church with the family. etc. etc. Speaking of which , two of her daughters are just like her. One daughter got married last week. I wish to God I would have told him and his parents what he is getting into. he will end up like my brother. A lost soul with no identity.
Her last boyfriend saw the light stating that he would not know who he would be in a few years if he stayed with her. Good for him! He ran while he could and saved himself from torment and destruction.
If you are married to a narcissist... PLEASE GET THEM COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR LIVES. Move across the world if you have to. Just get out.
Thanks for listening.
Exposing Narcissists
posted by Elle on 08 Jan 2008 at 2:19 am
Regarding the exposing of narcissists, I once exposed my ex's NPD to his current girlfriend. He was putting her through hell, and he was also contributing to the neglect of her child, which I found disturbing and distressing.
The way that I did it was to tell a mouthy friend what was wrong with him. This friend called her and told her that her boyfriend had NPD. She saw the truth of it and left him.
However, he has moved on and I wish I could figure out a way to warn the new girlfriend. She is only 22 years old and about to learn a major lesson. If I do find a way to warn her, I worry that he will come back here (he's in another country now, thank goodness) and torment me and our daughter. Even if I could warn this one, how can I warn them all? I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I'm inclined to just let him be, and count my blessings that he's gone.
Victum Of Narcissistic Mother
posted by Marlys Lightner on 01 July 2008 at 7:45 am
Before I ever heard or knew of "Narcissism" - I said "I was born and raised to serve". To serve her - it began when I was born. I am 65 years old - she is 90 and still controls my emotions and my decisions. Who am I? How would I know? Nothing - absolutely nothing I ever wanted for myself had any worth or value, unless she wanted it for me. God raised me, and you could not argue with God. She is a fanatically religeous person..and has memorized 1/3 of the Bible. She can quote scripture from A to Z. Like I said...God raised me and there was no argument or hope. She is full nursing home care and I take care of her. I have no life. Only her death will set me free....and I am scared to death what I will do when she is gone. I do LOVE my Mother....but I have NEVER EVER LIKED her. I have no worth or value beside the strokes of "what a good daughter I am". I could write a book on her comments to me when I want to do something on my own....what a BAD person I am.
From The Edge Of My Grave...
posted by Rob B on 26 Oct 2009 at 7:20 am
Grateful to have gained an understanding of what has happened..
Was living life in it's fullest, with a successful career, two homes, family & friends, a new and exciting relationship, and everything a person dream of. Something changed over the course of 5 years which led to my being isolated and clinically disabled.
I'd been Diagnosed as having one of the worst cases of untreatable major depressive disorder they had seen, I'd exhausted every antidepressant medication, benzodiazepines, antipsychotics, amphetamines, sleeping pills and every combination thereof.
I did not understand what was happening and I searched for answers to no avail as my will to live slowly deminished. After three hospital stays and 48 Electo shock therapy (ECT) treatments, I was presented an experimental option for a Vargus Nerve Stimulation, an implant similar to a pace maker. We saw this as Hope.
I continued to praise my partner for his extreme self confidence, as he'd imply I'd be on a street corner holding a cardboard sign if it not for him. Over sense of entitlement he took over my business and the rule became that either I comply or would be banished from his existence.
After 10 years of ambient abuse, I discovered that he scores in the 99th percentile for Narcissistic Personality disorder.
I believe this beyond any reasonable doubt had an impact on me.
Now I must seek a path of recovery.
Run Fast Away From NPD
posted by Hana on 31 Oct 2009 at 10:15 pm
If anyone in the relationship has seen the signs of Narcissism, run fast as you can....
I had dated a guy (psychologist) for more than a year, the most heartless and selfish person that ever seen. I wished that I would have know any information about Narcissism before go on the date with him. He was charming, nice and warm at the beginning of the relationship. That's the mask he put on, not for long his true soul start showing (only to me, not on the public). I will never forget that when my loving dog was dying downstire, and I was crying for whole night but he still wanted sex with me. The most saddest part was he blamed me for all his problems includes his sex dysfunction and I believed in.
No matter how hard I tried make him happy it was never enough for him. I tried so many time to leave him, but he always found way back. I hated myself for getting back to him again and again, and did not know why. Up now I know the reason was that he was slowly breaking down my self-esteem, made me impossible to leave him. Finally he lost his sex drive and decided I am not useful to him anymore, break up with me two months ago. This was the only one big favor he did to me, I am so glad.
He is 51 years old, and still dreaming one of these days he is going to be famous, and rich. Treating the people who loved him like a piece dirt. After I learn a lot of Narcissism, I am truly sorry for him. To him, there is no hope - sad, depressed, walking on the earth with empty solo soul.
I suggest that anyone see any signs of Narcissism, should go to sports department buy a pair nice running shoes, and start run and run fast, never look back....Don't try to fix their problems, they are being living in the lying for whole their life. It's not going to be easy for them to fix even they are willing to get help, only wast your time. Run is the only way out !!!
The Hardest Truth - Fell In Love With A Narcissist And Sociopath
posted by denise on 02 Mar 2010 at 10:15 pm
I too feel in love with a narcissit and sociopath. I didn't know what was wrong until one day I found out he was bisexual and left. I put up with the lies, abuse, cheating and his paranoid personality, he was also alcoholic and used drugs I would find crack in the house he was sneeky and a liar.
He had several women that he would use for money etc. I lived with this for 6 yrs and yes I wanted to help him. I felt sorry for him and gave him everything and he never appreciated a thing. Never enough. He loved attention and acted like a brat when I wouldn't give him attention. He had a terrible childhood but wouldn't talk much of it unless he was drunk.
I left when I found out he was gay because I realized then I can't compete with that. He ran me into the ground and took all my self worth and still today a year later can't get over it. I am getting better but the worst is his girlfriend (which he moved in with her 3 months after I left) has a son 9 yrs old and I feel sorry for him. I can only imagine what he is going through.
I am sure he abuses his mom and him and they are still together, yes he is charming makes you feel sorry for him. He has told her I am crazy and who knows what else. I did try to warn her that he's gay but she is still with him, he is a great liar and manipulator, he can convince anybody he is so innocent. What do I do to warn her for her sons sake and hers or do I just leave it alone?
It bothers me in my heart everyday. Please help me make a right decision on this. I don't think anything I say she will believe me for what he has said about me to her. Maybe by now she sees he is a sick person but it could be to late. It took me 6 yrs of off and on relationship and all the promises to change and only got worse.
How do we stop them from destroying lives? When do they have to suffer like they make us suffer? They just move on to bigger and better things without any hurt. But I guess their life is full of hurt and pain that's why they want everyone around them to pay a price. Any suggestions please respond. Thanks and hope anyone who has been there prospers and has a new life and a great journey and only got wiser from all this madness.
I was in love with an NPD
posted by Jana on 02 July 2010 at 10:10 pm
It is extremely difficult for family and friends to believe that you started as a happy caring person in an ecstatic relationship and then because the one with NPD decides after destroying you, he can move on because he deserves someone beautiful, witty and success, like you used to be. Because the NPD is not affected emotionally the appear strong, successful and in control. Therefore family and friends make you feel that because you are so weak (because he has made you so), how will you survive and youre only chance of having the perfect life was to fix yourself and have kept him!!!! Most people cannot appreciate how hard it is to live with an NPD. They tell you to stand on your own two feet and find your own identity. But because your NPD partner has destroyed your identity even in your eyes, you have NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE, AND NO TRUST IN YOUR OWN ABILITIES because he tells you "the only thing you ever did of value in your life is marry me!"
Amazing lifelong abuse/recovery is in sight
posted by debbie on 07 July 2010 at 8:56 am
I have been with my N since age 14, just a baby not fully grown. Before I knew it I was walking down the isle at age 17. I remember me and my dad in that green room before I walked out to get married, I started to cry, My dad said 'WHATS WRONG' I answered I don't know dad. Well now I know 34 years later I figured that my instinks were right on target that day. I went through with it and have two great sons, so I am grateful of that. They are the opposite of their dad, thank God.
I am in counsel now at the abuse center , and boy has it helped me. I felt like a balloon that lost its air. I was amazed to learn about this Narcissism disorder, you mean it has a name? I was melted to the ground by the time I started this education process. I am trying hard to take care of me now. It is unreal the abuse a person will endure before they can get out and get their life back. Even though I have left three times and came back, knowing what I know will keep me strong to become a surviver.
My one son isolates himself because he has been told all of his life he is nothing. He knows better now since we found this Narcissism disorder info , things are better in how we handle him. He does not even know, and believe me I am not going to get involved in telling him. He will make me suffer behold belief. To all victims keep your chin up get free help its out there, and read all you can on the subject, and no matter what let no one strip you of your own soul and mind. Good luck
Life After Marriage to a Narcissist
posted by Sue on 22 July 2010 at 4:20 pm
Thank you for posting this helpful information - it has opened my eyes to what I experienced but could not explain.
Four years ago I married the perfect man. What a dream-come-true: handsome, ambitious, well-educated, charming, socially active, attentive, affectionate, and most of all, head-over-heals in love with me. He cried at the mere thought of us not being together and made every promise under the sun about the husband he would be, the life we would have together, and his feelings toward me (everything a woman wants to hear). I believed him whole-heartedly and trusted him implicitly. We married after six months.
The first year was heaven, the second year we had some difficulty but nothing more than what you would expect with any relationship, but the third year he progressively got worse. That's when the abuse started to show. In the end it was downright scary. I don't have enough time to go into detail about the energy-draining level of manipulation that took place, all the lies that were told, the ways in which he used my generosity to get the support he needed in his personal life and with his business and all the promises that were broken, but my prince turned into a frog that I could not recognize.
The verbal abuse got worse and worse. The rage attacks, the personal requests that were ignored (with seemingly legitimate excuses which I always afforded him), the time spent alone because my husband was so "busy" with work, his anxiety, the infrequent sex, were all part of the downward spiral of living with a narcissist. What keeps their loving partner around is the quality of their partner's heart and the fact that a narcissist is a master of control and deception: They know what is just enough to keep you around and at their mercy. They keep you believing that you are a "team", that they are doing all of this for "us", when really they need you (or someone) playing your role so that they can do what they want for themselves.
He became progressively obsessed with self-promotion and image-creation through his work. In his own mind, I think he thought he was a rock star, primarily because he specifically sought out situations were he would be viewed as such, and he sought out the people that would put him there. These people were all kinds: other narcissists, his inferiors, and successful people who could further his business or had the money to further his business and make him look good to the others. It's amazing how capable he was/is at convincing people to do what he wanted them to do. In return, he promised reward (money, prestige, excitement, notoriety, success, ownership) for being part of the "team".
On the flip side, he viewed my friends as "boring" and he was strangely uncomfortable around people (usually mature folks) who were not overly impressed with anyone, but rather treated people equally and preferred to engage in normal conversation about all sorts of things. He was incredibly efficient at figuring out who was a "waste" of his time and who might be a worthy time investment.
Things really got worse when I suspected a cocaine issue. I already knew that he took uppers every day, something he had been doing for over a decade (he's now 32), which I didn't like but he explained that he needed in order to concentrate (he had never been diagnosed with ADD). On top of the daily amphetamines, his drinking got worse (which was already more than it should have been), I found out he was smoking pot many times a week (and had been for years), and then finally I found sleeping pills in the bathroom. It just kept getting worse and worse.
What is obvious to me now, which was not then, was that my husband pretended to be someone he absolutely was not, so that he could secure my love and support. Everything was covered up VERY well, including the cocaine problem that he had had for many years. The interesting dynamic in our relationship was that the closer I got to finding out the truth (he knew that the cracks were starting to show) the more abusive and unavailable he was. The more problems he saw with "us" and "me".
In the end, I caught him cheating on me with his new employee. I only had to check his phone once to find the text massages right there on the screen of his phone (Note: Prior to our marriage he swore up and down - of course - that he would never cheat on me, that he knew it was wrong because his mother had done that to his father). I confronted him immediately and his exact words were: I can't be with someone who goes through my phone. I want a divorce.
As if that wasn't enough, I found out from the neighbors (who were our renters next door and who I had befriended because I took care of all matters regarding the rental property) that they heard a woman's voice for multiple nights right after I left the house when I caught him cheating on me. They were sleeping together in what was also my bed within 48 hours of catching him. Narcissists are cold and vicious people. It is painful to write this, painful to know that people like this actually exists, and even more painful to know that all of this is a secret. The abuse is so directed and secret - nobody knows who he really is and I think would be shocked to see what he is really made of.
I'm not a spiteful person, but nothing would please me more than to expose him. I read that other people have this feeling after being close to a narcissist. I totally feel them. I really, really do. I think if you put all the people in his life in one room to talk, they would be very surprised to see how deeply damaged, cruel, and dishonest he really is. I think he discarded me because I am the one person who really knows the truth, and that was incredibly threatening to his mission. So the wife had to go.
Living in Hell
posted by Colleen on 02 Sept 2010 at 9:42 pm
This is the first time I have ever come across this information. I never saw myself as a "victim".. but after 4 months of living with a severly debilitated narcissist, I will have to soon accept that has been my role. My Prince Charmibg has poisoned my heart with anger and resentment. I stumble across more and more of his lies everyday... from him cheating, to a bastard son that was never made a mention.
His cold attitude towards his 3 children make my stomach turn, as I am a mother myself. I'm currently working on an exit strategy. Although difficult due to my broken bank account thanks to him, and my newly repossessed car. I'm rising above the darkness, slowly. But I'm hoping not too long. My depression is getting worse and worse everyday.
Stop vilifying men
posted by Will Racer on 05 Sept 2010 at 1:32 pm
There is a movement to vilify men and to play all women as victims. To even repeatedly use examples in this article that are of men hurting women, just reinforces this. Narcissism is not gender specific. Research shows, that women are no less abusive than men. Men's abuse, obviously can cause more damage. But that's a biological issue, not a psychological issue or a moral issue.
Having been the victim of female emotional and psychological abuse most of my life, I can assure you, that it's horrific to experience for men. A narcissistic women, can destroy her husband's esteem, control him through shame and threats, and make his life total hell. Why the self help and psychology fields insist on portraying women has hapless victims to violently abusive men, is beyond me.
I guess it sells a lot of books and movies. And tragically it keeps women in the dark about what they might be able to do to personally grow or change their relationship dynamics. It just plays into the lies surrounding domestic violence. Women need to understand, a very simple fact. According to research, men are highly shame sensitive. Women, constantly inadvertently shame men in abusive marriages. If the women wants to be safe, assuming her husband is not a pathological narcissist or truly mentally ill, she needs to stop shaming him.
She needs to become an expert on how she is shaming him, and stop. A man's natural biological response to being shamed is to posture, bellow, threaten, yell, exert control, etc. Women who shame their spouses, and narcissistic women do this at very cruel levels (I know, my mother and sister are both narcissistic and of course I went out and married a woman just like them) can cause great damage to their children and spouses.
No self esteem left
posted by Pat on 07 Sept 2010 at 3:13 pm
I have been married to a N for over 30 years.I always said when the kids grew up I was getting out. He cheats every chance he gets. He says to other people, he deserves it because he doesn't have anything else in life. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He has everything in the world that any man could possibly want. He owns half of this town, so you tell me what is it that he doesn't have. He also has a good wife and 2 beautiful kids that are making it in life.
He says we couldn't make it without him and we would not be where we are if it wasn't for him. I don't want things in life I just want us all to be happy together. I didn't have to tell my kids anything about him because once they started growing up, they saw it for themselves. He always says I'm living in Heaven, NO I'M not I'm living in hell. He thinks because we have a big house and it's not that bad, but he won't fix it up at all. It's been over 20 years since we have been here and he hasn't updated a thing. He buys things for his girlfriends, I found out, but he can't fix this place up for me. I know he's looking for another victom because he wishes me dead twice he said this. So I know he doesn't want me here any more. If I am to leave ,like I'm hoping to he would come after me because he thinks I am too stupid to take him to court, which of course I will and then he would want me back because he couldn't stand to lose anything we have. We don't have a bank account together. He doesn't trust me in case I do leave, the small amount that we do have together, he made it so neither one of us can take it out without the other. Why have it then? I have been to countsling and everything, they don't help. If it wasn't for my son finding it on the computer about these people I never would have know that it is an illness and I never would have married him, but I am grateful for my kids. That's the only good thing he did for me was give me 2 great kids.
Is Death the Answer? Narcissist mother, spouse narcissist, now son narcissist
posted by Angie on 12 Sept 2010 at 1:07 pm
I was raised by a narcissistic mother who up until now continues to use me as a mere extension of herself. She even has the nerve to tell me that the reason's why she has me do everything for her is because she had me and therefore, that is what she needs me for. I too married a narcissist, I now suffer from severe deression, panic disorder and anxiety. My youngest son is also a narcissist, he hunts me down wherever I happen to be and is constantly telling me how stupid I am and how useless and so on and so forth. There is not one day of my life that I do not wonder if death is the only way to finally rest from all of this.
There Is No Gender Discrimination
posted by Boots on 25 Sept 2010 at 6:06 pm
I don't feel men are being villified here. From everything I've read N. is more prevalent in men than women. Unfortunately men are less likely than women to seek help. I too am married to a N and realized it way too late. He is not and has never been physically abusive but the emotional damage has been extreme. I had 2 suicide attempts and he said the only reason I did it was to make him look bad in front of the neighbors. The second attempt was made after he told me to do us both a favor and kill myself then left. I would have succeeded had he decided to come back later.
Living with someone like this, whether male or female, is truly a living hell. I believe it's the same type of emotional abuse that prisoners of war have been subjected to. It breaks your will, destroys your will to live & makes you withdraw into youself. You get to the point where you will do anything for a break from the pain. I have such health issues now, including mobility ones, that I cannot leave. That and my age, 66, create a trap. I thank god every day for my therapist because she helps me cope & find some semblance of peace & sanity.
If you can get out, male or female, do it and when you do get the help you need to prevent yourself from falling into the same trap again. If you have a child you suspect of being afflicted with the same disorder get them help fast. The more deeply imbedded you become in either the behavior or the abuse the harder it will be to free yourself. There is help, reach for it.
It's harder for men, as one writer pointed out, so for all you guys out there who are involved with a N. please get the help you need, reach out because it is there. Most of all, guys, understand it is NOT a weakness on your part. You fell into the same trap that many of us did and it doesnt make you less of a man anymore than it makes us less of a woman. Reach out & ask, the help is there.
Are we addicted to emotional pain?
posted by lorraine o'neill on 05 Oct 2010 at 1:56 am
From a young age I felt different. I was raised in a strict matriarchal household. My father was a gentle man very clever who drank alcohol and was absent from home a lot in my early years. I loved my father who always showed love and concern for everyone else. My mother would scream at him about his drinking and the home was alway uncertain. My mother was constantly angry, and would batter my sister and I for minimal reasons.
My mother had ongoing bouts of depression throughout her life, but I will say she always provided good food for us and was obsessed in our looks and if we ever scarred our faces. Mum was abusive blamed me for my father drinking and said I made him ill because I was a tomboy. T suffered a lot because I was a sensitive child but acted tough to cope with the abuse. I felt guilty that I was hurting my dad even though I know now I was not. Much emotional abuse throughout my life even saying I had killed my father when he died of pancreatic cancer. I was traumatised and as a child I tried so hard to make her love me but nothing worked she would play my sister against me.
I became equipped to deal with, chaotic, demanding men. I was aware at some level that I would push nice men away thinking they were not strong and I might have the potential to hurt them. I chose partners who replicated my family of origin. I relived it by trying to make Narcissistic men love me by putting up with intolerable behavior. I know now I was protecting my father from my mother unconsciously by not choosing gentle men I chose selfish, emotionally distant men and destroyed myself. I was fixated on this struggle and the chaos i.e. partings and reconciliations these partners provided me with. My feelings would alternate between elation and despair, dependent on how the partner responded to me.
In my adult life I have always chose the caring professions, nursing, and then qualifying as a counselor/hypnotherapist and also gaining a P.G.C.E. so that I could lecture and devise workshops for women in dysfunctional relationships and who displayed self-defeating behaviors, i.e self-harm, eating disorders etc which I believe are all linked.
If you go deep within yourself the answers are there. Please hear your inner voice do not overrule your instincts they are an innate defense system.
Good luck break free x
my story
posted by Heidi on 11 Oct 2010 at 2:49 am
I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for 3 years now, well - as much as you can be in a relationship with a narcissist. I am so grateful for the information so readily available on the internet now. It has taught me so much, given me knowledge about this disorder which has, in a sense, provided me with a sense of perspective. I am not alone in suffering this way. This is not my fault, as he would have me think. He tells me it's my fault he's exhausted.
Actually, he has another girlfriend, which is the reason underlying his exhaustion. But the affair is my fault too. Luckily, I have reached a point where I am ready to let him go. It has taken a long time, and the road has been hard, very hard. I love this cruel person, but I won't give myself up for him anymore. The lack of appreciation, the lack of effort, the humiliation and belittling, the manipulation, the constant lies. So draining. Such a waste of my energy. You get nowhere with a narcissist because they don't know how to give authentic love, let alone receive yours.'
Thanks for reading. Good luck to All XO
Same old story
posted by Susanna on 17 Oct 2010 at 8:25 pm
Yes it happened to me too...met him online, smart, witty, intelligent evenly balanced (or so I thought), funny, loving...after communicating for 2 months, I flew to the US/Utah to meet him, we fell in love very quickly, went to conferences around the states with his work (meteorologist)..3 wonderful weeks...he came to Australia and met my family, they loved him, perfect guy yada yada, you know the drill....second day he's here, loses his temper to the point I'm terrified and confused, no idea why..No explanation, just accuses me of insulting him....I blame it on the hot weather, couldn't be anything wrong with him right? He goes home, I then fly out 4 months later to spend 2 weeks with him again in Utah and then Texas, by now we're talking of a future...this time, he's openly ogling other women and when I gently tell him his behavior’s upsetting me, he rages at me and storms off....he eventually calms down - I leave to come home 2 days later.
The emails become less, the phone calls, he's too tired. I meet his family when in the states and get along really well with his Mother, he's jealous. So I notice everything I'm doing now is annoying him and then one day back in August, I receive and email from him...don't recognise the address, ask him if it's him, he says yes...I query the address further which then brings up a post on a website "It's all about him"... a girl he'd been talking to online and arranging to meet with the month after I leave in May, caught him cheating on her!!!! While he was cheating on me with her, he was also online at the same time with another woman. Confused? Me too. I had no idea he was cheating on me and this girl thought she was the only one too, he met her on facebook (told me he wasn't on there) and was arranging to spend a weekend with her.
Then the icing on the cake...he sends her a video of um, well you can probably guess......yes, he's "loving himself", disgusting, no self respect or respect for anyone else. Sorry this is so long, had to get it out. I am getting through this but yes, these narcs have no empathy whatsoever and he has never even asked me how I am, just how tough he's doing it...RUN AWAY FROM THEM!
hell on earth
posted by matthew O'Connor on 19 Oct 2010 at 9:39 am
I am also a victim to a female narcissist, my x wife. Fighting a loosing battle became an everyday thing. I had no clue what a narcissist was. I believed my x was bipolar. One day while reading and looking for answers, there it was. As if it was written for me about her. Lawyers, judges and people in my town have no clue. I have 3 boys who suffer greatly, physical and verbal abuse. I am a fraction of who I once was. I am left with no money and no ability to pay for the help I so need! I will rebuild what I once had and still believe God has my back. Its a waste of time to try to get her help, and I complete waste of time trying to undo her lies. I was a blind fool who simply loved an unloveable bitch! May God bless myself and any other victim! 25% of my life has been lost, but I'm alive and so much smarter!
Ah yes
posted by andy on 28 Oct 2010 at 3:21 am
Ah yes...Both my parents and my big sister are narcissists. I stumled upon this disorder, because my sister told me recently her thrapist, who she sees because of narcissistic supply, cause doctors could understand her genius, diagnosed her with this disorder. The diabolical shit that has been done to me by the ppl who were supposed to be closest to me, has turned me into a complete paranoid nutcase. I always suppressed the notion that I'm literally living with ppl that come as close to being the freaking devil, as you possibly could. I suppressed and suppressed and thought when I become an adult their attitude will change somehow and they'll at least for once just give me a compliment for christ's sake. This was 3 years ago...I am 24 now, completely paralyzed and as so many victims of N-parents trying to figure what the hell happened. It sucks. I always knew there was something wrong with everybody in the family, that I had to get away and thought I had effectively shielded myself from the damage, but turns out I was wrong.
Finally an answer!
posted by jane on 14 Nov 2010 at 7:13 pm
OMG! I can't believe I have finally gotten the answer I have been looking for. The man I have been seeing off and on for 5 years fits the PERFECT description of the Stealth narcissist. And I (along with many others) have been his victim. He also is a pathological liar..I was too caught up in my codependency to ever realize the truth til now. I almost cried when I read the description because IT ANSWERED MY QUESTIONS...now the healing can begin..I am so thankful for this page I stumbled upon (no, I really know it is God who sent me here!)
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