A “dead bedroom” means that sexual partners rarely or never have sex. It is an informal term, not a diagnosis. Sexual health professionals tend not to use it, as it can add shame or stigma to the situation.
The word “dead” can imply that a relationship has lost its vitality or spark. In reality, though, sexual intimacy can decline for many reasons. It does not necessarily mean that partners no longer care for each other or find each other attractive. In addition, the causes can change over time.
If all partners want to, they can work together to understand what is contributing to them having less sex.
In this article, we discuss what a dead bedroom is, what can contribute to sexual difficulties in relationships, and how people can start to address it.
A note about sex and gender
Sex and gender exist on spectrums. This article will use the terms “male,” “female,” or both to refer to sex assigned at birth. Click here to learn more.
The term means that sexual partners are having sex infrequently or not at all. It is not a medical term. There is no formal definition and no time frame that experts use to identify a sexless relationship.
How often people have sex varies considerably, as does a “normal” frequency. For some people, sex every week or month might feel infrequent, while others may go many months or years before they feel this way.
A person may consider their relationship to be sexless if the frequency of sex significantly reduces or stops. This is fairly common, particularly in long-term relationships.
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If all partners are content with having no or infrequent sex, it is not a problem. Having less frequent sex does not necessarily mean that the relationship is over or that the people in it are unhappy. In fact, in the
Whether the amount of sex is a problem depends entirely on each partner’s perspective and how important sex is to them.
If one partner wants sex more often than another or thinks that their partner’s level of interest has reduced, they may feel:
- hurt
- rejected
- angry
- frustrated
- abandoned or lonely
- less desirable
Their partner may feel guilty, anxious, and down. If more than one partner is frustrated by the amount of sex, they may have a mixture of these emotions.
It is possible to increase intimacy and sex in relationships, but it requires several things.
First, all partners have to want more sex. If a person does not want this, they have no obligation to do it. No one owes anyone sex, even if they are married or in a long-term relationship.
Second, all partners need to be willing to work cooperatively, with compassion and love. It is understandable that a person might feel hurt by a lack of sexual interest from a partner, but blaming or resenting them will not make things easier. A person can vent or work through these feelings separately, with a therapist, for example.
Finally, all partners must be willing to explore the underlying causes of a decline in sexual desire or activity. Depending on the specific causes, this process may be difficult. It may mean that a person has to revisit past experiences, challenge their beliefs, learn new skills, or take responsibility for unhelpful behavior.
Partners may want to work with each other, as well as with healthcare professionals, to identify the causes of a lack of intimacy. This may involve speaking with a:
- therapist
- couples counselor
- sex educator
- doctor
Many factors can contribute to low levels of sexual intimacy in relationships. They may be related to:
- desire, or how much a person wants to have sex
- arousal, or the body’s physical response to stimulation
- opportunities for sex
Although desire and arousal are connected, they do not always match up.
For example, a person might want to have sex but have a physical problem that prevents arousal. Similarly, a person’s body might respond to pleasurable sensations, but their mind might be too preoccupied to feel desire.
A lack of opportunity can stem from not having enough space, time, knowledge, or access to sexual healthcare to make enjoyable or safe sex possible.
Below are some factors that may be playing a role.
Stress
Stress can reduce the desire to have sex. Some people temporarily lose interest in sex during highly stressful times, while others may experience chronic stress that causes longer lasting changes.
A person may feel stressed for many reasons. Both personal and systemic problems can be stressors.
For example, a 2018 study found that financial worries are associated with less frequent sex in men and women. But for men, earning
This suggests that the pressure of traditional gender roles influences sexual frequency, perhaps because not fulfilling these roles causes stress.
Tiredness
Many people have sex at bedtime. But for someone who is very tired, the need to sleep may outweigh sexual desire. Low energy levels can stem from:
- working
- parenting
- caregiving
- household duties
- exercise, such as intensive training
Life satisfaction
People may be more interested in having sex when they feel contented. In a 2019 study of women aged 40–73, life satisfaction was a predictor of healthy sexual function. Other important predictors included:
- emotional support from others
- self-esteem
- optimism
Sexual stigma and shame
Sexual stigma is prevalent in many cultures and communities throughout the world. It can lead to shame or embarrassment about wanting sex, pursuing sex, learning what feels good, and speaking openly with a partner.
In the
Relationship problems
Problems in a relationship that are not directly related to sex can ultimately affect desire, arousal, and whether partners make time for sex. There may be current or past difficulties with:
- trust
- communication
- fidelity
Even if a current relationship is a happy one, a person’s past experiences may make them reluctant to open up with their current partner.
Sexual satisfaction
Even when partners are satisfied with their relationship, they may not enjoy certain aspects of their sexual encounters. This may result in less desire and less frequent sex.
A 2020 study of young heterosexual couples found that communication about sex was very important for sexual satisfaction and frequency. Communication also correlated with overall relationship satisfaction.
Sexual pleasure is highly subjective, so getting to know what a person enjoys is vital for satisfying sex.
Mental health
Many mental health conditions and symptoms can affect sexual interest or arousal. Some examples include:
- anxiety
- depression
- past trauma
- negative body image
- low self-esteem
- addiction
Physical health conditions
A number of physical health issues can affect sexual desire or arousal. They include:
- Hormonal changes: Changes in sex hormone levels can affect sexual desire and arousal. In everyone, these hormone levels naturally fluctuate over time. Sleep, stress, substance use, and many other factors can also influence them.
- Sexual health conditions: These can make sex more difficult or lead to embarrassment. Some examples include sexually transmitted infections, vaginismus, and premature or delayed ejaculation.
- Chronic illnesses: Many medical conditions can affect the ability to experience desire or arousal. For example, high blood pressure
correlates with an increased risk of erectile dysfunction. Heart disease, thyroid disease, diabetes, nerve damage, chronic pain, energy-limiting illnesses, and many others can also play a role. - Medication side effects: Certain medications, such as antidepressants and hormonal birth control, can affect sexual desire and arousal.
Physical health conditions can also affect mental health, potentially impacting a person’s self-esteem and body image.
Set aside time to talk, and try these approaches for a productive conversation:
- Choose the right time: Aim for a moment when no one is distracted and when there is no significant conflict. Do not raise the issue during a fight.
- Avoid judgement and blame: Approach the conversation with compassion and curiosity about what the other person thinks. Ask the person if they have noticed a decrease in sex and how they feel about it.
- Listen: Give them time to talk freely. When they have said how they feel, ask questions to better understand, and express this understanding. For example, “I did not realize that work was getting to you this much, that sounds stressful.”
- Focus on what is good about sex: Speaking about sex in positive terms, rather than focusing on what is wrong, can make the conversation easier. For example, instead of saying, “You never want to have sex anymore,” try, “I love you and want to feel close to you again.”
- Offer strategies: If it seems appropriate, volunteer to make changes to help. For example, if a medical condition may be playing a role, suggest making an appointment with a doctor. If a partner struggles with exhaustion from childcare, consider taking on more responsibilities or getting extra help.
- Consult a professional: If people are finding it hard to talk about sex or hard to do so productively, visiting a therapist or couples counselor may help. They can mediate the discussion and give insights about what may be causing difficulties.
The term “dead bedroom” refers to sexual partners having little or no sex. Not everyone finds this distressing, and it does not always signal a problem. However, if the amount of sex is not OK with all partners, it can cause dissatisfaction.
Many factors influence sexual desire and arousal and people’s access to safe, enjoyable sex. Stress, relationship problems, mental health conditions, and physical health conditions can play a role. Because so many factors can contribute to the amount of sex that people have, it can help to work with a professional to identify and address the causes.
For people who want to change their sex life, a consultation with a sex therapist or couples counselor may help begin the process.