Tips for living with a new partner after abuse

“I met my ex-partner during my college years. She seemed like the perfect girl — beautiful, intelligent, and fun. However, things took a turn for the worse when she became increasingly controlling and emotionally abusive.

I remember an incident when we were arguing, and my partner threw a vase at me, causing a deep cut on my arm. That was the breaking point for me. I knew I had to get out before it got worse.

Experiencing abuse in a relationship had a profound impact on me, both mentally and physically. The scars left by that toxic relationship went far beyond the physical cut from the thrown vase.

Mentally, I was left with deep emotional wounds. The constant criticism, control, and manipulation eroded my self-esteem. I began to doubt my worth and capabilities. Anxiety and fear became my constant companions, making me question my every decision and second-guess my every action.

Physically, the consequences were tangible. The incident with the vase left a visible scar on my arm, a permanent reminder of the violence I had endured. But it was the invisible scars that weighed on me even more. The stress and emotional turmoil of the abusive relationship took a toll on my overall health.”

“I’m a professional photographer and have been for 17 years. After we got married back in 2010, my husband not only ripped away my ability to make an income but also took away my relationships with my family and friends so I was only dependent upon him. Even in church, I couldn’t sit inside the sanctuary. We had to sit in the coffee shop. No one was allowed to come to the house, no one. Not even my parents.

One night when I was too tired to clean dishes, he got very angry and threw me up against the wall while choking me. He kept asking, ‘Where is your God now?’ and then eventually let me go. He ended up passing out about 5 minutes after that, so the next morning when he left for work, I grabbed my husky and a few of my things and left.

I shut down. I’m a pretty strong-headed person, but when I was in this relationship, he made me believe that my way of life was wrong. He made me believe that it was wrong and childish of me to enjoy family or friend hangouts, game nights, going out to eat with people, or even photographing my clients.

He made me believe that when you ‘become an adult,’ adults don’t do those things, that as an adult my focus should be on my partner — him — and making sure his needs were met.

Over time, this emotional and mental onslaught stripped me down to where I didn’t know who I was anymore.”

“The day I left my ex, I made a promise to myself that no one would ever rip my life away from me again. I swore that no one would ever tell me what kind of life I was allowed to live. No one was ever going to take my money or my career away from me or rob me of my freedom.

I did some serious soul-searching and healing. I reconnected with my church and began to spend more time seeking answers about what God thinks of me and who God says I am. More than anything else I did, this helped me regain my strength and once again believe in the promises of the life I could have. And man, did God deliver on those promises.

About 8 months prior to meeting Colby, my now husband, I wrote a blog post boldly declaring the type of family I would have and the type of man I would marry. I decided enough is enough of listening to others say, ‘There’s no such thing as someone who checks all those boxes. You just have to learn to live with it.’ I not only rejected that, I put it out for the whole world to see.

I wanted someone tall with dark hair, blue eyes, who dresses nice. I wanted someone who drove a black Chevy truck, enjoys country music, and loves Jesus. The day I met Colby, he stepped out of his black Chevy pickup looking put together… and country music was playing on his stereo. I looked up at his 6-foot frame into the most stunning blue eyes.

I had found him. And he has been my gift.

I knew from that moment forward that I was free to chase after what I wanted in life because I was going to get it. There isn’t anyone who can hold me back anymore, and the life I have is so beautiful.

I could not imagine life without Colby or the babies we have together. Colby and I were made for each other. He is my best friend and my security blanket.”

“Finding love again after the nightmare of my previous relationship was like emerging from a long, dark tunnel into the warmth of the sun.

Initially, I approached it with trepidation, my heart still bearing the scars of the past. Trusting someone new was a monumental challenge. But the person I met was unlike anyone I had ever known. They were patient, understanding, and genuinely caring.

Their unwavering support gradually allowed me to lower my defenses. They understood the weight of my past experiences and gave me the space to heal at my own pace.

Through their actions and words, they showed me that not all relationships are built on manipulation and fear. I discovered the power of open communication, mutual respect, and genuine trust.”

“Be vulnerable. Allow your partner to speak life into that aspect of your past. Your new partner loves you for you, and even though it might be embarrassing that you allowed yourself to get into that situation, they love who you are as a person. It’s not your identity, and it wasn’t your fault.

On our first date, I laid everything out on the table to Colby. Our date lasted hours because of this, but I’m so glad we did it. So I would advise others to do the same. Share your truth boldly and confidently, because anyone who can’t handle that truth is not the person for you, anyway.

I told Colby about my past, how it affected me, what I want to do with my career, what type of parent I want to be, what I will or will not put up with as a spouse, holiday traditions, money management… everything. He did the same with me, and here we are, 10 years together and solidly in each other’s corner.

Our love is deeper now, more intrinsic and intertwined, and we are still as invested in one another as we were that night on our date.”

“One of the most amazing things about my husband is that he lets me talk about what I want or need to talk about. He doesn’t make me feel like I’m being judged or that I need to just ‘let it go’ because it’s something that happened in the past.

He is on my team, and he has taken the weight off my shoulders since the day I met him. He builds me up and holds me accountable for saying nice things about myself and being on my own team. I feel safe with him, and it’s because we talk about the hard things.

I let him open a few doors to see what was inside the rooms that were full of hurt for me, and he didn’t run. He didn’t look the other way. He didn’t even wince. Instead, he sat with me in the yuck and has continually supported me and loved me through it all.

“Through Colby, I have learned that I can not only have this type of love in my life, but that I am actually deserving of it.”

“My new partner played an instrumental role in my healing journey and transitioned into a new, healthy relationship. Their unwavering support and understanding became the pillars of my recovery.

They were the listeners I had longed for, offering a compassionate ear without judgment. They patiently allowed me to express my fears, concerns, and experiences.

Understanding the importance of personal boundaries and emotional safety, they respected my need for space and time to heal. They never pressured me to share or open up before I was ready.”